Woke up to a dream at 6:30 this morning. Started to whimper without tears. But slowly I felt a massive blockage in my throat that I had to sit straight and cry convulsively to let it all out. I haven’t cried this badly for a long time. Till Anett wrapped me inside her arms (I told her not to interrupt me if I cried in my dream, but this time she was frightened), I finally felt settled and comforted that the blockage started to melt away.
I must be heart broken in my dream:
In a kids playground where everyone was playing on the swing and making sand castles, there was our cat’s blue litter tray in front of Anett’s swing. She asked me who was on duty to clean the tray. I said to her it was someone else, not me. Then I gave her a smirk. She was irritated so she told me if I didn’t get that person to clean it, she will scoop the litter and put it on my bag. In return I swore to her if she ever did it I would break up with her. But she did. There was cat litter all over my bag – blue and white crystals, brown cat poop coated in sand. It was filthy. I looked at her but she wasn’t Anett anymore. She was someone else. Someone evil. I was furious. I rushed to a classroom to write a break-up letter to her.
Instead of a classroom I was sitting in a shared office space, where there were beautiful furniture and warm-toned lighting. As I started handwriting the letter, words became colourful and three-dimensional. It took me a long time to even write a word because everything didn’t make sense. Words became small objects as soon as written down and there was no complete sentence. I tried to memorise stories between us but I couldn’t remember any. I turned around and looked at her. She was again, another person who I have never met before. But then she was gone. They told me her company had moved to another place. I tried to track her down but I couldn’t remember the name of her company. What I could remember was the cat litter and break-up.
But then she returned, gloriously riding in her Austrian horse-drawn carriage to the car park. I walked out to meet her. She said she came back to return my keys and take her bicycle and donkey with her. There was a bicycle with flat tyres. She said she needed to get it fixed so that her donkey can ride on it. I agreed, took the keys and said goodbye.
From the entrance of the car park came my grandma who used to take me to the kids playground and taught me how to make sand castles. She passed away a few years ago so I was very happy to see her in my dream. She looked the same – short, chubby, bright and energetic. She told me how glad she was to see Anett and myself both graduating. What a beautiful couple, she praised. Then she gave me a video cassette. She said all our memories were in this cassette and hoped us keep creating beautiful memories for each other.
I looked at her and told her we actually broke up. She felt sorry and sighed, unfortunately this is what always happens in life; People complete each other’s memories and move on. She asked me how I felt. I looked at Anett, who was standing a few metres away from us. This time she looked like Anett and I remembered her now. I asked my grandma, how could this happen? The time I was with her, was the most inspiring period in my life. How could this happen? I hugged her and said, I am very, very sad.
The next, I woke up and burst into tears. The more I cried, the more I realised, unexpectedly, how sad and painful and devastated I felt losing Anett, as if my dream was real. Don’t get me wrong – I knew I loved her a lot, but I have never expected such feelings crush me this hard, nor did I have the fear of losing her. For the first time, my conscious mind realised that I love Anett much more than I know, and in fact probably, I am also scared of losing her.
But how funny, most of the time we have to come to the verge of losing to understand how we deeply and truly feel. Often our conscious mind tells us to react to things we dislike (in my case, I often feel annoyed by Anett not helping with cleaning the cat litter, ha!). We get caught up by our ego and forget that love is about appreciating our partners than filling with expectations.
I cannot feel more blessed after the dream and cry this morning. Anett was next to me, mumbling Hungarian words trying to comfort me. It is 43 degrees in Sydney today. Our place feels like a sauna room on the summer morning. I embarrassed myself with tears and sweats all over my face. I told Anett my dream. She smiled and said to me, you don’t need to cry about leaving me because you are going to be with me forever, which is the only thing you will cry about, if you really have to. I laughed and thought probably that’s why I started my dream in the kids playground. Her thoughts about us is as pure as a child’s.
I constantly seek inspiration and guidance from my dreams. I haven’t been able to master the techniques, nor did I do any study on dreams (maybe I should!), but I find tapping into the unconscious mind helps a lot in understanding more about myself. I will keep sharing with you my dreams and tricks I use to remember them. I hope they will help you find answers you are seeking in life too.
Never stop dreaming.